Not All Friends are Forever

Recently I lost my best friend…not by death, but by choice. His choice. His reasoning? The bottom line was the perception other people had of our friendship. It seemed like it mattered more what other people saw and thought than what he and I did, or God. We were best friends for almost five years, we did everything together. We talked all the time, we argued some of the time, but we were able to come back from an argument or disagreement by simply respecting the other person and their views (once the emotions settled of course). Our friendship was an easy one, maybe it was too easy. I am often naive enough to think that things will last a lifetime, I get comfortable and sometimes even complacent. Even so, I never could have seen it coming, not in a lifetime.

Unfortunately, he considers perception to be reality. I don’t, I think that’s a lie people say to promote a more acceptable society, one that encourages the influence of others to deter and change a person’s actions or beliefs. It’s one of those widely held concepts that somehow makes sense to everyone because of its catchy sound, and it keeps them in societal check. I call bull. I call it a cop out, a conformity, and it hinders people from thinking for themselves and living their own set of morals. But…here we are. And here I am, not accepting that someone else’s view on my actions is more important than mine or God’s, believing that intent matters and that God looks at the heart. All I can do is stay true to myself and what I believe. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, because it does. Someone I thought would always be in my life, betraying me based on what other people think, treating parts of our friendship as mistakes and regrets. To be open and honest and vulnerable, and give yourself fully by trusting the other person, only to be let down and have them turn their back on you for someone or something else. I think this is a new one for me, and it may be one of the worst ones.

While I still need to work through the emotional storm inside from this, I realize that everyone has their own set of morals and beliefs, and we are all just trying to do what’s best for ourselves. Which is kind of messed up all on its own, iiiinnnn my humble opinion. However, he established a boundary based on his priorities, and I respect that. I don’t agree with it, and I feel like I deserve more than that, but I respect it. I won’t lie, I’m hurt. Really hurt. I think about everything, and I can’t figure out how I should feel about it, how I process the information I have. I guess that’s because I feel like I don’t have all of the information.

I’m working through it and trying to move on; I think that’s what’s best for me, maybe it’s what’s best for both of us, and now he won’t have to deal with any more drama or conflict with people around him. There I go though, taking the blame for his decision. I. Ain’t. Doin. It. He made his choice, I made mine. All we can do is the best we can do and find a way to live with it. For now, this is my best. I am just trying to come out the other side with new insight and experience, keeping my love and light and not giving in to hate and anger. Wish me luck.