Anniversary of a Tragedy

We were sitting in bed watching TV a little after midnight . He leaned over and kissed me and said quietly, “Happy Anniversary,” with an understanding smile. But it was so very hard fo me to say the words back. I think I only whispered them. I knew that the next morning was ‘the day’ but I wasn’t prepared for it right then. There aren’t words to describe the physical feelings that my heart and stomach did when he said ‘happy anniversary’. Or the thoughts and emotions that flooded in with absolutely no warning. My eyes instantly filled with tears and I choked them back as best I could. Today is our eight year wedding anniversary. But it is also the first anniversary of a tragedy… And it’s probably a day we will never celebrate again.

One year ago today, we were on our way out to a casual date-night dinner to celebrate seven years married. But, I had started spotting that morning so we decided to go the ER for a quick ultrasound. I was eleven weeks pregnant . I forced myself to be positive and cheerful as I got checked out. It must be something normal, there’s no way God would let me go through this again, I thought. But, the night didn’t end with a happy dinner and toasting to the next seven years together… It ended at home… in the bathroom… as I lost my baby.

No one prepares you for losing a child. There are no ‘How to Survive Losing a Baby for Dummies’ books out there. Trust me, I have looked.  After going through it once, you think there’s no possibility that the ‘powers that be’ would let it happen again.

I thought I would spend today writing and reflecting with lots of crying. I did that for several years with the first baby we lost. But I ended up wanting to work. I left the kids with hubby and sat in a perfectly quiet office for hours, sorting papers and imputing data. I guess it was what I needed today. That and an hour long car ride. Playing all the sad songs that had gotten me through this last year seemed to help. I haven’t given in to a good cry yet and I started to feel guilty that I hadn’t. But, I’m just going to let myself feel what I need to, and just handle it however it comes.

I have nothing brilliant to say in this post. It just helps to write something, anything. I’m just sad. I wish I knew if it was a boy or a girl, I wish I could have given my baby a name, I wish I had a picture… I wish so many things…