Here It Comes
St. Patrick’s Day is approaching… here it comes… and I’m greeting it with so many mixed emotions. It blindsighted me yesterday because I haven’t really let myself dwell on it yet. My parents have a digital frame in their kitchen that all of us kids send pictures to. As I was gathering up my kiddo’s belongings to take them home, pictures of our St. Patrick’s Day celebration from last year started popping up, and I just wasn’t prepared for it.
There was an immediate emotional disconnect to the smile I saw on my own face. I was sitting in one of our favorite bars next to my hubby and we were both as happy as could be. We had just announced we were pregnant… and you could see the joy on both of our faces. This year will be a bit different.
I’m all about hosting a party. I like to stay home, it’s my own comfortable bubble. Inviting people into it is good, but I’m not quick to want leave it. I had a moment yesterday, when shopping with my little sister for decorations for this year’s party… It dawned on me that we were fast-approaching the one year mark. I feel like it’s always the hardest for me while I’m still navigating all the emotions. We’re no closer to a decision of having another baby that we were 10 months ago… and it sucks.
What Else is There to be Done?
This last year was filled with doctors, tests and zoom consultations. All in the hope that some clarity would magically appear and we would have answers as to why we have lost two babies. But that never happened. With the general physicals, we found out that I am pre-diabetic, thanks to the extra baby weight still here. With the fertility doctor, we found out that my thyroid is out of whack. This could have been part of the problem, but most of the doctors dismissed it. I had unrealistically high hopes that getting on medication for that would cause me to lose weight quickly. It didn’t. I also hoped that it would end the severe joint pain in my hands. It didn’t. With the genetic testing, we found that our DNA is great and there aren’t any concerns. With the wonderfully invasive female exams that I endured, we discovered that everything “down there” is working just fine.
So, we basically have no answers… and we’re no closer to making a decision. And as I begin to approach 40, it just seems like the dream is fading further and further away. And I’m just not in a partying mood.
